A Mother’s Loss, Heaven’s Gain

I was blessed to cross paths with an amazing woman who I now consider one of my best friends.  She has taught me so much in the little time I have known her.  On days when I think I have it bad my thoughts immediately go to her and her losses and I am quickly reminded that my burdens are not that heavy.  We will all go through loss and grief in our lives.  There is no way to avoid it.  We will lose our parents, our friends, siblings, spouses, and so on but there is no greater loss than that of a child.  My mother lost my brother when he was 23 years old and in that moment of loss she was forever changed.  She was left with a hole in her heart that no matter what will remain with her until she takes her last breath.  I want you to meet Crystal Presnell, a mom whose life was forever changed when she lost not only one but two sweet babies.  This is her story of loss, grief, and strength.

They say “life is what you make of it” and I am a firm believer in this, but sometimes no matter how hard you try life doesn’t turn out the way you would like for it to. When life throws you a curve ball you have no choice but to keep living. I have been told again and again that I am the strongest person ever and that people don’t know how I have remained sane. Well, I don’t always feel strong. I have my ups and downs, I have screaming fits, panic attacks and days that quite frankly I feel like giving someone a high five upside the head with a chair. I get so frustrated, I feel lost but I have to pull out of it and be a mom. You see I am a mommy to 3 beautiful angels. Sounds like a perfect life, doesn’t it? Well, I will tell you why it is so hard for me to be happy some days. I have 3 angels, but I only have 1 here on earth with me. This is my story:                                                                                                                                                                                   In October of 1999 I found out I was expecting. I wasn’t married, just out of high school and thinking strongly of joining the military, but it did not matter. The day I saw that big “plus sign” I was beyond ecstatic. My (now) ex-husband proposed to me on Christmas night of ’99 . We wanted to bring our little bundle of joy into a stable home. We set our date for May 20^th, just 4 days before my birthday. The days and weeks went by and I started getting a little tummy and I could feel movement. I loved when I could see a little foot impression moving across my tummy. Everything was perfect. We bought a little home that would be perfect for our little family. Everything was coming together perfectly and we were so excited. The nursery was beautifully decorated and ready for the new arrival. I was scheduled for a sonogram at 6 months to find out the sex of the baby. I was really nervous I have to admit, after all this was all new to me. As I lay there the doctor placed the “magic wand” on my tummy and began to look at the monitor. He then looked at me and said “this baby is going to die” point blank that is how he said it. I began to cry, he then looked at me and said “if it doesn’t die it WILL be retarded” I then went from crying to screaming for him to please just shut up. The rest of that visit is a complete blur to me. I remember my mom helping me walk to the car and trying to calm me down but I was heart broke. Then I remembered miracles can happen and I could not or would not believe my baby would die. We didn’t find out the sex that day because the baby wouldn’t turn for us to see. I had every hope that the doctor was wrong and that everything would be ok. On May 20^th we said our “I do’s”, I turned 19 on May 24^th and on the night of May 28^th a month before my due date I went into labor. We go to the hospital and after a very hard delivery of a breech baby with hydrocephalus I finally delivered a 4IB 2Oz baby boy that we named Hunter Allen. His heart was beating but his brain had never formed. His little heart continued to beat for 45 minutes before he flew away to Heaven. It would take forever to tell all of the details so I will leave it at that. I was completely crushed. I didn’t want to see or be around ANYONE!!! I went home to a house that felt completely empty. My mom had gone and took down the nursery because I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing it. I cried and screamed for months. I remember hyperventilating from screaming “I want my baby back” over and over every day for months. It just seemed so unfair and I was completely lost. The specialist I had seen told me this had happened at conception and there was only a 1 in 10 million chance that it would ever happen again. 2 ½ years went by and we decided to try again. Of course when I found out we were expecting again I was on edge; everyone was. I had a great pregnancy and the baby looked perfect at every visit. I went in to labor at almost 8 months and it couldn’t be stopped so my daughter was brought into the world on August 10, 2002 at 5IBS 7OZ and we named her Madison Cheyenne. She was very sick and had to be sent to a children’s hospital 4 hours away. The doctors in my home town said nothing more could be done for her just after one day. But amazingly she started to improve the day after she arrived at the children’s hospital and we got to bring her home in 2 weeks. This was the best day of my entire life. I finally had my sweet baby home with me. I am very happy to say that she is now a very happy, healthy, beautiful and sassy 10 year old. Life was finally starting to look up and the hurt from Hunters passing was becoming somewhat more bearable. My little Maddie was so perfect. She had the most beautiful tan complexion and jet black hair all over her tiny head. I could have eaten her up. When Maddie was 11 months old we found out we were expecting again. Once again we were so happy. We had wanted to have at least one more and now we were having just that. I was very nervous but since Maddie had been ok I remained positive. At 3 months into the pregnancy the doctor noticed I had lost a lot of weight since the month before. I had no morning sickness so it wasn’t from that and being “high risk” he decided it best to go for a sonogram. I will NEVER forget the look on the doctor’s face when he looked at the screen. He turned and looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked me what the complications with my first pregnancy had been. (This was a different, much friendlier doctor)  I burst into tears because I knew what he was getting at. He wanted me to see a specialist in another town so off I went. I spent 8 ½ hours having sonograms and I have no clue how many doctors came in to have a look. They then talked amongst themselves and came back to tell me I should terminate the pregnancy. My answer to that was NO! I would give this child every chance at life that I possibly could. Those were the most miserable months of my entire life. I couldn’t eat or sleep.  I itched so bad from my nerves that my legs were a bloody mess from scratching so much. It was a living nightmare but I had to stay strong for Maddie and for the most part did as good as could be expected.  I was almost 9 months when I woke up in labor. I didn’t want to go to the hospital but had no choice in the matter. By the time I got to the hospital I had half way delivered a breech baby. The doctors tried everything possible to finish but nothing would work. I started slipping away so they rushed me to the OR and put me under. My body had endured so much pain that I went into shock and my heart kept stopping. Thankfully they brought me back each time. Finally after 35 minutes they finished delivering her. The baby I had carried for nearly 9 months had lost the battle during birth. I had no clue until I woke up in recovery that I had gave birth to a 4IB 7Oz baby girl that we named Maria Lynn and that she had already earned her angel wings during birth. I held her for hours and hours. We laid her to rest 3 days later at the same cemetery where my little Hunter and my daddy were laid to rest. I could walk to the graveyard in 2 minutes literally and did so every day. Madison was very young when Maria was born and not even born yet when Hunter was born but she tells everyone about her big brother and little sissy.When we visit their graves (we have since moved) we both sit and talk to them and have a good cry. We still visit them very often and always will.  It breaks my heart for Maddie because she wants a sibling so bad but I am seriously too scared of what might happen. She hates being an only child so I go above and beyond to make sure she never feels left out. Life has dealt me some major lemons but I still have a smile on my face. People ask me how I stay sane and my answer to them is “it could have been worse”. I follow these sick baby’s/children on FB and I cannot imagine what those parents deal with every day. Not knowing from one minute to the next if your child will live to see tomorrow. Those people are my definition of a true hero. I miss my baby’s more than anything but I don’t question “why me” because I know God doesn’t make mistakes. I am beyond blessed with my daughter, so I try to keep a smile on my face and be thankful for what I do have. Also, I know the day will come that I will see those precious baby’s again and they are being taking care of by the best babysitter there is, and they are in perfect health. I still have many moments that I cry for them and that will never change. Hunter will be having a birthday this month. I cannot believe my baby will become a teenager this year.  Some days seem like all of this took place just yesterday and other days seem like it has been forever since I held them sweet baby’s in my arms last. My favorite quote of all time is “Take all the time you need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day, it takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self”. These words are so powerful to me because they are so true. Lord knows I have taken many, many, many steps to get where I am today and it has been far from easy. For those of you that feel like you just can’t go on trust me when I say “yes you can”! At the age of 31 I have been through more than a lot of people in their 60’s and 70’s but I am still here to tell about it so that is a huge blessing in itself.

I am no longer celebrating birthdays

Okay so yesterday one of my friends said she was getting old and she said I was still a “frying chicken”.  I asked her how old she was and she said almost 47.  Well, okay I am only a few years behind you.  OMG…then it hit me “Holy Shit, I will be 40 in 3 months”!!!  40 years old…I am over half-way through my life and I am totally sad about that…okay I am f’n depressed.  I don’t wanna get wrinkles and gray hair.  I wanna stay young and “hip” (okay I am definitely not hip…..or at least my kids don’t think I am).   You know a few years back I was the mom that all my son’s friends liked.  He was on the football team and I remember one day he got in the car after practice and he looked pissed off.  I asked him what had happened imagining that one of the other guys or the coach (who I had a huge crush on) had done something to make him mad.  Oh no…that was not it.  He turns to me and I quote “Mom please find someone else to pick me up from now on and you are not allowed to come to anymore of my games…EVER….do you understand?”   I just sat there looking at him like WTF??  About that time three boys knock at the window and ask if they can come spend the night.  Jake rolls the window up and tells me to drive.  I later realize that they were making him feel very uncomfortable in the locker room because he had a “hot” mom.  LMAO…now I have never found myself “hot” in the least bit but you all know how teenage boys think.  They are not focused on anything but hot girls…..or older women for some reason.  I found it quite hilarious but quite a compliment at the time.  Over the past few years I have gained over 50lbs and honestly I have let myself go downhill.  I hate it….and I hate the fact that I am getting old.  I know considering the alternative aging is a good thing but come on now who wants to wear granny clothes and get their hair teased up in a poof ball that lasts for a week at a time?  No rudeness to you grannies because I love you and I myself am now a granna although I don’t tell anyone.  I noticed the “crows feet” around my eyes the other day and the f’n cellulite dimples on my ass.  I freaked out…totally freaked out.  I got online and looked up every product that is supposed to magically get rid of these monstrosities.  You want to believe they will vanish and just go away.  I know this isn’t going to happen and I have to accept the undeniable fact that I can’t stop the aging process.  Okay…hell no….I am fighting it every step of the way and I think I have hit my midlife crisis early.  I got a wild ass hair the other day and went and had my nose pierced…yep I did.  I still have my belly button ring (which you have to go on a scavenger hunt to find ).  I be damned if I take that sucker out because as long as it is there maybe just maybe I will have incentive to find it again.  I still have those sweet boxes of hair color that hide the fact my kids are turning my hair a different color and I have all those little facial products that will hopefully keep my wrinkles to a limit.  I don’t know if you have seen “This is 40″ but if you haven’t go rent that bitch today and watch it.  It gives us ladies some hope and some consolation in the fact that 40 isn’t the end of sexiness!  I am taking a lesson from the mom in it as well…..I am now and forever 38 and I am sticking to my story (my lie actually).  From now on I am gonna party like it is 1999….lmao….I just had to throw that in there.  Geez can you remember when 1999 seemed so far off and honestly believed we would be in flying cars by then…I do.  Oh wow…how time flies by.  Andy Rooney was absolutely right when he quoted “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes”.  True statement right there.  I know I will not handle August 31st very well and as a matter of fact I will probably eat the whole damn cake myself, scarf down a gallon of ice-cream, and cry in my wine all night long.  So, right now I am starting to prepare myself for my meltdown…the meltdown of the century.  Now, I must go color my hair, do my sit ups, and apply my wrinkle cream.

Today has been one of the insane maddening mommy days.  I am exhausted…drained and all I can think about is the statistics paper I have to do. The dogs woke me up first thing…off to a great morning!  Those damn dogs are ALWAYS into something.  They are worse than the toddler…okay they are about the same.  Somehow Daisy managed to get the bedroom door open and escaped.  She then used her “Houdini” skills to jail break Murphy who was in his crate.  I hear a banging going on in the living room and when I get in there the dogs had obviously been plotting their escape for awhile because they had managed to get the front door open and they were out in the yard frolicking like Tiny Tim who tiptoes through the tulips.  I yelled at the hubs to get his ass up and chase them this time because I wasn’t about to let the “hot” neighbor see me running about in my tank and panties (after he had caught me ass up in the air cleaning their shitty crate the other day)!  Well Mitts and I decide to take a shower because I have tons of things to do today and I need to get on it.  I always leave her in the shower after I get out so she can play.  I put up all the razors and bottles and put her toys in there.  Well, I was drying off and starting to get ready when I hear her start crying and then this blood curdling scream pierces my ears.  I grab the shower curtain, rip it back, and there she stands pointing to the floor.  OH MY HOLY BABY BUDDHA.  I swear to you on all that is holy there is a turd cement block the size of my fist sitting in the middle of the shower floor.  It is huge and hard as a rock.  I don’t know how in the hell this child just pushed that monstrosity out of her ass.  I would have been screaming too.  I think she was afraid it was going to raise up and eat her or something.  I grab the toilet paper and scoop it up, toss it in the toilet, and then go to clean her up.  Well, much to my surprise (okay I am never surprised anymore) there is another mountain of poo behind her and a nice stream running down her legs.  I now figure out why she has been crying for days.  She had an impaction and the “diarrhea” was the stool running out from around the impaction…yeah yummy stuff to hear huh?  Sorry, I’m a nurse and it takes a lot to make me nauseous.  Well, I clean up the nice, shitty tub and the baby and I smile because at least it was in the tub and not on the carpet.  Lunch time arrives and I decided to fix  some coconut shrimp which has to go in the oven.  I preheat it like I am suppose to and go to do some of my homework while I am waiting.  In the meantime I feel my poor nose start stinging and I have to go check it out.  Well, for those of you who do not know, I got my nose pierced for the second time a few weeks back.  It has been infected on and off but oh my…never like this.  I notice blood around it and my nose is the size of an elephant snout.  I try to clean it but the stud has somehow sunk into the skin.  I can’t get to it.  I fiddle and fiddle with it and finally get it out.  I then smell something burning and I remember I lit the oven but why does it smell like the house is burning down?  Well I go running in there and there is smoke rolling out of the oven and then the loud annoying fire alarm goes off as the house fills up with smoke.  I am terrified to open the door but I do and there is a fire.  I shit you not a f’n fire is burning in my oven.  I scream at the hubs and me and him both are in there looking like a bunch of firemen on crack trying to get this fire out.  Once we got everything under control I get the look of death from him…..I had left a pizza box in there from two nights ago…oops.  That box had caught on fire and for some reason the hubs didn’t find it as humorous as I did.  While we are trying to prevent the house from burning to the ground Mittens decides she is going to be superbaby. She climbs up in the kitchen chair and tries to jump off frontward but instead loses her balance and falls backwards before I can get to her.  She of course lands on the back of her head and I am freaking out.  I am yelling at Kyle to get the car cause we are going to the hospital.  He tells me to chill out because she is conscious.  REALLY?  Just because it didn’t knock her out doesn’t mean she don’t have some brain damage….he just laughs at me.  Okay, I agree I am exaggerating but head injuries are bad.  I do not like them.  I sit down to take a break and my 6 year old step-daughter comes and sits beside me.  She hands me a letter and says “I wrote this just for you”.  I’m thinking awwww so sweet…she knows I am having a crappy day.  This is what the letter said: (spelling courtesy of the 6 year old.)

Dear Rebeccy, just cuase you spilled things, just cuase you said oh Jesus to many times, just cuase you got sick tody, just cuase you had to say mitttens all day, just cuase you said shit when you burnned the pizza box and cuased smoke in the house, just cuase you never do your school work, just cuase you let mitttens fall and bunk her head means you are sill a good persun. You are not a bad persun and God still loves you just like I do.  No body is purrfect. 

Okay so I think that was supposed to make me feel better?  However after that I decided it was time for a bottle of wine.  Well wine does not go well with statistics homework nor does it help my brain to function properly.  My nose was hurting and I decided I needed to clean it again and get something in it before it grows up.  So I ditch my homework yet again and head to the bathroom.  I about shit when I see my nose because it is huge.  That should have told me to clean it and leave it alone but do I think along those lines?  Nope.  I get it cleaned and I find my new belly button ring….which is not made to go into a nose.  However, I have learned where there is a will there is a way.  Needless to say I keep on poking until I get this spike in my nose.  Okay, it looks like a disco ball and one end is on top of my nose while the other is hanging out the bottom of my nose.  DQ comes walking in to ask me a question and when I look up at her she immediately starts laughing and her eyes get as big as quarters.  She says “mom….seriously have you looked in the mirror?  Please tell me you are not going out of the house like that…PLEASE?”   Wow, I have succeeded in making my child think I have completely lost any sanity I had left.  So anyway, I now have a disco ball in my nose, the fire has been extinguished, the poop is out of the tub, I have a clean baby, the dogs are safely tucked away, I am a good person and God loves me, the wine bottle is empty and I still do not have my statistics paper even started.

Cheers!!!

Love Never Dies

Working in a restaurant, especially a state park, you have the people that come & go, your tourist & your regulars. We had an elderly couple that would come eat faithfully almost every night. They had their own table, ate & drank the same thing & you always knew the exact tip you were going to receive. They definately have become part of our “park family.” We lost the man yesterday morning & I think that I can speak for everyone, that we are going to miss him dearly. Praying for his family & especially his wife during this time. So tonight we have made ‘your table’ extra special just for you!

So my son’s girlfriend posted this on her wall today and me being the baby I am I have sat and cried until I am literally snuffing (is that even a word?).  Immediately it brought back memories of so many couples I have been blessed to know in my lifetime.  Today so many people take love and marriage for granted.  I guess I was one of those people at a particular time.  My marriage failed because my husband at the time felt the need to romance more than one woman at a time….for ten years.  Yes, I finally gave in and just told him to leave.  I don’t know how much more I could have taken and I wasn’t about to catch something that Ajax wouldn’t take off.  So, anyway, my parents are the prime example of how real love goes.  I sit and I think back to days where hugs were plentiful and playful chases throughout the house were common.  I always heard my parents say I love you every single day (even if they had just had a knock down drag out….just kidding…no knocking down allowed).   I remember silly fights they had over literally nothing.  My mom could be so nagging at times and my daddy was just hard headed.  With both of them it was “my way or the highway” which usually meant my dad caved in and then my mom felt bad for making him cave in.  I watched my parents hold on to each other when my brother passed away.  I have heard so many couples say that their marriages just fell apart because they couldn’t stand the grief and they could see the child in their spouse.  I’m not saying it was easy because my mom sank into a depression that nearly killed her.  She wouldn’t leave the house and my dad had to do all the grocery shopping, paying bills, anything that required an outside trip.  It broke my hear to see her in such a shape and my poor daddy having to hold up for both of them.  He worshiped my mother and would do anything for her.  Every single morning he went to Dairy Queen to talk to the old farts up there about what ever it is old farts talk about and he would always bring my mama a BLT on white bread home with him (every day for over 20 years).  My dad had his first heart attack back in 1999 and that completely upset my mom’s “hermit” life.  She had no choice but to pull herself together and take care of him.  She spent night after night in a little sleeping area while he underwent open heart surgery. She never left his side once he got to a room.  I saw a fear in her eyes that I had never seen before….it was a fear of losing him.  Over the next ten years the road was very rocky.  My mom wanted to stay at home away from everyone but my dad was so sick and required hospital stays every couple of months.  It was in those times where my dad was in the hospital I saw just how strong my mama was.  I saw her walk outside by herself in the middle of the bad part of Nashville all hours of the night. I saw her hold herself together although she was falling apart inside.  The woman that I had always thought was weak was truly a wonder woman.  My dad would have his good days and then bad.  He continued to work on a monument for the Veterans at the cemetary where my brother was buried.  He had trees planted down each side of the drive and he had flags put on every veteran’s grave.  He was a good man and he wanted to do good things for others.  My mom knew he was keeping himself busy as a way to deal with grief over my brother as well as his illness.  Over the next 10 years he had 9 more heart attacks.  Each one a little bit worse than the one before.  He was life-flighted out 4 times and pulled through being on a ventilator all four times and guess who was right by his side during every sickness and hospitalization….my mother.  She wasn’t ever one to cry or show emotion but during certain times I would hear her in another room crying quietly.  I can remember one time not to long after a hospitalization my mom and dad got into a spat over something (I don’t even remember…but it wasn’t serious).  I pulled up after work and my dad was going around the side of the house with a tv in his arms.  I was like ok….what the heck?!  Him and mom decided they were splitting up…so dad was headed to the basement to live.  Bahahahahaha….I placed bets with my aunt on how long that would last.  I think my dad made it two days before he was back upstairs and they were acting like nothing happened.  In 2008 my dad began to go down hill quickly.  He even quit going to the cemetary everyday.  He would call and ask me to take him because his feet were so swollen he couldn’t get shoes on.  He had such a hard time breathing and it pained me just to watch him.  There are pictures I will never get out of my head.  You know you get this “ok nothing bad is going to happen…it will all be okay” attitude.  Well it just got worse. He started forgetting things and some days would forget something I had told him 10 minutes before.  He would get so angry because he couldn’t remember and couldn’t stay awake which we learned was the lack of oxygen to his brain.  I remember the early morning my mom called…you just have a feeling. She said daddy had fallen in the kitchen floor the night before and his lips were bluish but he was still talking.  He had told her not to call the ambulance that he wanted one more night with her.  She said they laid there in that kitchen floor with his head in her hands.  They talked about how they met, the things they had go to do in life, me and my brother, and how happy they had made each other.  Around 4am when he couldn’t breathe anymore she called 911 and then me.  When I go to the hospital mom told me it wasn’t good.  As I went in to see my daddy I saw his feet were blue and splotched as well as his ears.  I knew this was it.  My mom stood there holding his hand with her head down.  The only thing my dad said was “Please take care of your mom”.  The doc rushed in and said they were going to life flight him but they didn’t think he would make it this time.  He had a massive heart attack and it was so damaged only 5 % would pump so he would require a machine to do it for him.  When we got to Vandy they took us to his room where he was hooked up to machines and the vent.  Mom just looked at him with such sadness in her eyes.  All those years he had pulled through for us and we both knew this was it.  We both laid down with him until the doctor came in and told us he would never make it off of the vent.  She told us we had to make up our mind whether to leave him on or take him off.  My dad had always been  one of those who said if you know I am never coming off the vent or I am never gonna lead a quality life then you unhook me.  Those words played over and over in my head.  We told them to take it off.  My mom sat by his bed holding his hand and I laid down beside him and rubbed his face.  I watched that damn monitor just hoping and praying it would improve instead of slowing down.  I watched each breath he took and then I would look at my mom whose heart sank a little more each time.  I saw the life in her leaving as the life in my dad was leaving.  After about an hour we let him go.  I whispered in his ear it was okay to let go….I promised to take care of my mom and I told him I loved him more than life itself.  My mom bent down and kissed his forehead and as she did he took his last breath.  My mom broke down and I have never see her cry like that.  Tears of true love…..lost.  My parents had been together since my mom was 16 years old.  They married when she was 19.  Together 53 years and then he suddenly left her life.  I will tell you if I have ever experienced true love that was it right there.  I just wish more people could experience that kind of love in life or see it.  Mom has told me over and over she was so glad she had that last night with him.  She said although it doesn’t take the pain away it gives her peace of mind.  My parents had a lot of love in their life and although they never had material things they had each other.  Today is hard for me….I miss my daddy and I hate the fact that I feel I have let him down by not taking the best care I can with my mom.  God knows I have tried.  It was me who cared for her during her accident but it is me having to fight her brothers to care for her now.  I believe in one way or another it will be okay.  Next time you are walking at the store, the part, or the mall and you pass that little old couple who are holding hands and look happier than ever…know that is the love I speak of.  It is still out there you just have to work to find and keep it! 

going to hell in a handbasket

Okay so this isn’t going to be the sweet, fun-filled post I would have hoped for today.  Nope today I am beyond pissed and I feel like speaking my mind (which is not a good thing because I don’t have too much to lose). 

I am pretty sure I have one of the worst extended families in the entire world.  Let’s start with my dad’s side.  He has one sister left alive whom I love dearly.  I was named after her and she helped raise me because we lived next door to her my entire life.  She is 80 this year and not in good health.  I hate to see it because I know that she will probably be the next person I lose.  The bad part of that side of the family comes with her son.  He was so good to me as a baby.  He used to put headphones on me and let me listen to Elvis (only thing that would shut me up).   Over the years he met a woman who was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and one of those lucky people who’s shit don’t stink.  Her kids wore all the name brand clothes, were in the beauty pageants, played sports….blah blah blah.  I was not as lucky.  I wore hand me downs and Good will or Wal-Mart clothes.  My house was old,  smelled bad (because my parent’s smoked), and was bright yellow and shit brown.  I had to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them looking down their noses at me.  It is the only two times I saw them a year.  His wife made fun of my Aunt and it made me so mad but I knew if I could get through the night it was over until next year.  That is it on that side….all I have left of family.  Now, on to my mom’s side who makes my dad’s side look like Mother Teresa.  I grew  up living two houses down from my mom’s baby brother and his four kids.  He was a preacher as far back as I can remember and boy did he let that make his head swell.  Over the years I would go to church with him because my parents didn’t go.  I was raised in this church that believed in no make-up, no jeans for women, long hair for women, one marriage/no divorce, no rock music….on and on.  Well, for my younger years I let this message brainwash my head although I never felt it was right.  I heard him preach against so many things that I disagreed with.  I also heard him preach kindness and not to be judgmental of others.  Show them love and be a good example. Well, needless to say as I aged I decided that I loved God but not the God that he preached about.  How could God love me but send me to hell for cutting my hair??  How could God love me but send me to hell for wearing blue jeans?  Well, I decided to follow my own path although I continued to go to church there.  Immediately I was looked at like satan’s spawn.  Oh wow….look at her she is wearing make up and she listens to Kenny Chesney…She is hell bound.  I finally quit going because I decided it was not them I needed to please.  I immediately became the “black sheep” of the family.  My mom’s sister who loved me dearly had died so I didn’t have her to go to…my uncles just sided with the preacher.  When I had a child out of wedlock I thought they were going to hang me from a tree and then when my marriage failed, due to years of cheating by the spouse, I was kicked out of the church (even though I didn’t go anymore).  The take your name off of the member book if you divorce and re-marry.  How is this right?  I can’t make mistakes and go to Heaven?  I can’t wear certain clothes and make it to Heaven?  If I don’t conform to what you thing God wants then I am a sinner and I have bought my one way ticket to hell?  Well so be it because if Heaven is full of judgmental people like you then I don’t want to be there.  After last night I have completely washed my hands with him and that entire side of the family.  When my mom had her accident that nearly claimed her life I sat with her for the three months she was on a vent fighting for her life.  I saw her brothers visit a total of three times (one of those times the only reason the preacher came was because he was visiting someone else at the hospital).  He runs a church with over 500 people and they were always doing benefit singings to raise money for those in the church who needed help.  When I called and asked if he could raise some money for mom and I since I couldn’t work and none of the bills was getting paid he said no.  I told him I had just received her first hospital bill and we hadn’t even left.  I kid you not this bill was over 1 million dollars for a bed in the trauma unit.  I about pissed my pants.  My heart broke when we wouldn’t ask for help just because she was “his sister” as he told me.  I brought her home with me, took her back and forth to Nashville for visits, sat with her every time she ended up in the hospital, changed her bandages and a colostomy bad up to 10 times a day….did he once call and ask me if I needed help?  Hell no.  I needed a ramp built to the front of my house because of her wheel chair(she wasn’t walking yet) and guess what?  It took volunteers from the community to buy the supplies and build the ramp.  Now you tell me that is showing love for others when you let people that don’t even know my mom build a simple ramp because it would be “wrong” for you to ask help for your own sister.  Well, after two years of caring for her I got pregnant with MIttens.  I continued to care for her even after the doc put me on bedrest.  Once I went to the hospital I needed someone to help care for my mom until I could get back on my feet.  My mom’s other sister (the only one who had helped me any at all) decided she would take her and care for her until I could.  She had POA switched to herself so she could make all decisions. Well she couldn’t handle mom.  Mom’s memory was still very bad and she would get out of the house at night.  Joyce didn’t want to chance her getting hurt so she put her in the nursing home.  That broke my heart and I felt it was my fault because I couldn’t care for her.  Over the next few weeks I talked to my Aunt and she said she wanted to keep mom out there for rehab just to see if they couldn’t get some of her memory back.  I agreed.  Mom did start improving so I didn’t fuss to much.  We never thought about POA until my Aunt admitted she had lung cancer and didn’t know how long she would live.  Every time we were to go to court to switch it back over she was sick and we couldn’t get there.  She passed away before anything was switched so I was in a mess.  I needed a 1000 dollars to put up as “collateral”.  You have to protect the person who needs a guardian.  So they require you to pay so much money just in case you take advantage of the person.  I had a court date set and was working on getting the money.  Well, I was too late because the “preacher” went behind my back and got POA over her.  I was literally fuming. Now, I have to ask him to even get my mom out of the nursing home for visits.  I have asked to bring her back home and he says no because he feels her memory isn’t good enough.  I am her daughter and I am the one who cared for her without anyone’s help….now he is telling me I can’t care for my own mom?  I finally got to take her to an appointment last week because he had a funeral to preach.  We had such a good time.  I took her to eat, we went to the mall and I bought her some clothes, and we went to Starbucks which she had been begging for.  I was supposed to take her back yesterday just for a re-check but of course Hallie had been sick vomiting and with diarrhea.  I called the doctor and rescheduled the appointment, I called mom and told her what was going on, and I called the nursing home to let them know what happened and when her next appointment was.  Well, I didn’t call him and that pissed him off.  He called me last night and talked to me like I was a five year old child. He scolded me for not calling him. He told me I would never be allowed to take her anywhere else again.  This is MY mom and I feel like I can’t even have a relationship with her without getting permission from the f’n warden.  I am sick and tired of it but can’t do a damn thing.  He is a huge part of our town.  Everyone knows him and respects him.  There wouldn’t be anyway I could talk a judge into giving me back POA.  I want to bring her home so badly.  Last night I was in tears and I called mom and told her how much I loved her and told her why I may not be back out there.  She told me she loved me so much and for me to quit crying.  She said she would talk to him that it really wasn’t up to him who took care of her.  The bad thing is her memory is still bad at times and she may not even remember our conversation.  My heart is broken and now I sit here thinking I have no one.  It is my hubs, my kids, and me.  Over the years I have learned so much about humanity and how cruel some can be.  I learned who my true friends were during mom’s accident and I learned how shitty my family really is.  I can’t let this destroy me though.  I have to just keep on keepin on.  Yeah, I am remarried, I wear jeans, I wear makeup, and I listen to the “devil music”.  It is none of your business the road I choose to travel.  In my eyes I am just as good as you.  I care for others without judgment.  I don’t beat them down and tell them they are going to hell for being divorced.  I don’t have two cents to rub together sometimes but I give to charity every month. If I can help someone I will and I don’t expect anything in return or the “notoriety” for doing it.  I am so sorry for the rant but this is my only outlet.  It is the one place I can speak my mind without condemnation.   I truly hope you are not the black sheep of your family but if you are then rock that title.  Show them just how amazing a black sheep can be.  To me it is better to stand out than to just disappear in the crowd.  As for me…I am moving on.  I am counting my losses and cutting them loose.  I don’t need anyone in my life that don’t need me.  My life is mine to live…my choices.  The only one who will judge me is my maker.

Wonder

“Wonder”

Doctors have come from distant cities
Just to see me
Stand over my bed
Disbelieving what they’re seeing

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god’s own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

Newspapers ask intimate questions
Want confessions
They reach into my head
To steal the glory of my story

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god’s own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She’ll make her way

People see me
I’m a challenge to your balance
I’m over your heads
How I confound you and astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
Of god’s own creation
And as far as you can see you can offer me
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She’ll make her way

 

So if you have followed this blog or my Facebook page then you have heard me mention Sarah Beth aka Miss Moody.  Let me just refresh you.  I was physically abused by her father while I was pregnant with her. She nearly died as a result.  I had a very traumatic birth due to the abuse and her heart stopped three or four times.  I watched as my little baby turned blue and required resuscitation. Over the next year I fought to protect her from an abusive man and only after she nearly died at his hands did a judge finally terminate his rights.  I started noticing delays in Sarah and saw her withdrawal. After a year or so and visits with multiple doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists I found out that my child’s lack of oxygen during birth had left her with some brain damage.  That was the beginning of a long tiresome journey.  She was put into pre-school and speech therapy at age 3.  She wasn’t like the other kids and lacked the social skills that is required to make friends and interact with others.  She would become violent within seconds over simple things.  She lacked the communication skills to relay what was hurting or bothering her.  She started acting out in terrible ways and I was guaranteed to get a call from school daily. 

     Over the years it worsened and people began to avoid me because they didn’t want to be around my “retarded” child.  Those words penetrated my soul like a dagger.  Sarah began to binge eat, steal, and lie.  She acted on impulse with no thoughts of consequence or remorse.  She began to be violent toward her brother as well as herself and inanimate objects.  I had holes in my walls, broken windshields in my cars, and clothes shredded to pieces.  Teachers would pass her on to the next grade so they did not have to endure her another year.  My heart just broke more and more. It is a terrible feeling to know your child is different and does not meet society’s definition of normal.  I ached for her sadness and for the fact that she was lonely.  Years of treatment and being in and out of hospitals did nothing at all. At age 14 after years of being shunned and bullied she attempted suicide.  At that point in OUR lives something had to change.  All the endless nights of fighting and crying while hidden in my room at culminated into a train wreck. 

    I had to save my daughter.  I had sang this song to her since she was a wee girl but over looking the true meaning behind it.  My daughter was one of those wonders.  She had been created special and sent to me because I was strong enough to carry her through the tough times.  Even if the world didn’t believe in her I did.  After she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, personality disorder, and mild mental retardation due to her IQ I started a war on mental illness and on all the naysayers.  Those who never had any hope for her were kicked out of our lives.  I was armed with knowledge and my rights as a parent of a child with special needs.  I learned to ignore the looks when she had a meltdown. I learned to tell the parents of bullies to contain their child and to teach tolerance and love.  I learned to have patience and determination. I also learned that even though we had to travel through the valleys that we also got to visit the mountain tops.  I had to accept the fact that although these doctors could treat her, they could never cure her.  This was our path to travel.

     The struggles would continue but I was prepared to fight them.  My child was lost in a society filled with judgment and condemnation for those who suffered from mental illness.  I had to be her advocate and fight for the life she deserved.  That is just what I did.  I found myself using this song as my encouragement.  I always believed in the idea that “she would find her way”.  This song was written for a woman who was born with disabilities and to me it is a tribute to all of our children who are born with special needs.  They will make a way.  They will defy the odds that are placed on them.  These children…they are a challenge to the balance of what society considers normalcy but who cares?  They are perfect just the way they are and as I see it a challenge is wonderful.  It is the drive that pushes us to success.  These children are gifted and they are ours. They teach us what life is all about.  When I looked into my daughter’s eyes I saw a soul that was afraid to come out because she was different.  Society wouldn’t let her be who she truly was without making her feel inferior.  Well, that is what we are here for.  We are our children’s advocates. Inside every child that has a special need is a child that is “normal” in his/her own way.  They have love just like we do even though they may not express it in the same way.  The people who do not have a special needs child may not get it.  They may stare, laugh, point fingers, and talk behind our backs and that is okay because they suffer from ignorance.   I am grateful that I was chosen to be the mother of a child that pushed my limits, that challenged my balance, they needed a little more attention.  Do you know why?  Because she taught me a love that I never knew before.  She taught me that normalcy is over rated. She taught me that struggles are worth the fight. She taught me that it is okay to be who I am no matter what society thinks.  I feel that my daughter answered my question of “why am I here…what is my purpose?”  It was to raise her to be the woman she is today.  As I sit here holding my grandchild in my arms, I see the reward of my efforts. I don’t see a failure in what I did.  Even though she still struggles, requires meds to keep her moods level, and may not be able to do all the things others do she is a wonderful mother and she moves forward every single day. So, listen to the song and let those words flood your soul.  Understand that you may have bad days, you may cry yourself to sleep at night, and you may not understand why but one day you will.  One day you will be able to look back and say I did it and I survived.  I raised a beautiful child and you will realize all the wonderful things that child taught you! You will know your child was one of the wonders….God’s own creation!

A letter to my daughters

Okay so maybe I should have done this for my son and my oldest daughter but I was young and stupid myself….

Jaylee, Kenna, and Mittens

     I for some reason felt the need to explain to you girls a few things about life.  I’m not sure how long I will be around because as you will soon come to learn “life is not promised”.  With that being said I wanted to tell you a few things.

1.  Always be good to each other.  Sisters are suppose to be there for each other through all the good times and bad.  Don’t be jealous of each other over silly stuff.  Your siblings will one day be your best friends.  I always wanted a sister and after my brother passed I was alone.  Alone isn’t a good place to be.

2. Be good and always respect your daddy (and me if I am still around).  We both love you more than you will ever know.  We sacrificed a lot of things to give you girls a life that we never had.  Your daddy is always going to be over protective just because that is what daddies do.  So when he tells you that you are not leaving the house in those shorts or you are not dating until you are thirty…..he says these things with love so don’t hate him.

3. Cherish your friendships.  True friends are hard to find these days and even harder to keep.  When you find someone you relate to, someone you trust, someone you love to be around, and someone who is there for you every time you call upon them then make sure you reciprocate.  Don’t make excuses or back out on them when they need you.  Friendship is about being there, offering the best advice and support without being judgmental, and telling them the truth when they look terrible in those spandex pants. 

4. Don’t rush your life.  No life isn’t guaranteed so slow down and enjoy the experience.  Don’t wish your life away.  I remember as a child wishing Friday would get here, wishing I was 16 so I could date and drive, wishing I was 21 so I could legally drink (which was a mistake), Wishing I could meet the right guy (bullshit) so I could settle down….on and on and on!  I wished my life away and now I sit here at 39 years old saying “what the hell!  Where did my life go?”  Stop and smell the flowers, lay on the grass and watch the clouds, watch the sunset, read books, laugh as hard as you can at the silly things, and live like you were dying (yes a Tim McGraw song…but a good one).  SLOW DOWN.  Breathe it all in.

5. Life isn’t perfect!  Don’t expect everything to fall in place because it just ain’t happening.  Expect failure but get up, shake it off, and climb right back on.  Never say never  because as sure as you do….the inevitable happens.  Don’t be a quitter…winners never quit and quitters never win.  Things will be hard…you will fail a test, you will get bad news, you will find yourself in a rainstorm when all you want is the sunshine…..that is when you dance.  You hold your head up and you use that determination that I have always taught you.  Push on through.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.

6. Boys!  Cooties….yes they do have cooties.  Stay away from them until you know you are responsible enough to handle the cooties that come along with boys.  The only men you can trust in your life is your daddy, your brother, and eventually your son (but we ain’t going there).  Please don’t rush into relationships and remember you are young.  The time will come when you will meet a boy who will make you smile for no reason.  He will give you “butterflies” that don’t go away.  He may not be the “hottest” dude in the school but to you he is “Adam Levine” lol….you will understand this if you ask your father.   Some guys are nothing but jerks and will hurt you without care or consideration. You will learn they are after one thing and one thing only…that is the one thing you need to save until you find the right person.  In today’s society things are really different and people don’t look at love and marriage like they once did.  Once again….don’t rush….expect heartache but know that it will heal…..and enjoy being young and having fun. 

7. Education is a must.  Get good grades and stay focused.  Pick a career that you will love not one that you are going to dread going to everyday.  Make sure you go to college right out of high school.  If you don’t chances are you won’t ever go.  Leave everything else alone for awhile and get your degree.  You can’t survive today’s economy without it and I really don’t want you living at home forever….sorry! 

8. Bad things happen.  Please brace yourself for what life throws at you.  No one is safe from things such as cancer. Death is unavoidable.  You are not immortal so please don’t live like you are.  Make sure to watch your health.  Eat healthy foods, don’t smoke, don’t binge drink (I won’t say don’t drink at all because as you know I love a good bottle of wine).  If you choose to drink do it safely.  Never climb behind the wheel of a car…ever.  Call your dad or myself or have a sober driver get you home safely.  Don’t do drugs…plain and simple.  There is nothing waiting there but heartache.  Trust me on this one.  I have known way too many people addicted to drugs that wrecked their entire lives.  Just don’t risk it…there are far too many other things to do in life.  Try to make time for exercise everyday.  Understand the risks that come with the behaviors I have mentioned….lung cancer, heart disease, accidents such as auto accidents while drinking.  All of these things can happen to you.  Understand that your daddy and I will not be around forever.  We are going to die just like everyone else on this earth.  It is just a part of the circle of life.  Don’t grieve over us for too long.  We wouldn’t want that.  It breaks my heart to think you would waste your days crying over me.  I will be in a much better place and look for those signs that I am around.  I may be the wind on your cheek or the bird chirping at your window.  Smile at those things and remember our good times.  Know more than anything that you made my life worth living.  

9. When you do marry and have kids of your own please be patient.  Love your spouse and stay focused on him.  Don’t ever lie and make sure you never go to bed angry at each other.  Let’s remember they are men and sometimes they don’t think with their brains.  They think they are always right and sometimes it is best to let them think that.  They will do silly things like leave their clothes two inches from the laundry basket or put a dish in the sink when the dishwasher is a foot away…learn to ignore these things because they can’t help it.  Always remember that you brought your children into the world and they didn’t ask to be here.  Show them love and kindness always.  Hold them when they want to be held, wipe their tears away, kiss them every chance you get, and don’t get frustrated when they put their tiny handprints on the window you just cleaned (twenty times).  These moments will fly by and you will miss them. Understand their emotions and remember you were in their shoes at one time.  Teach them to be respectful of others no matter what the skin color, culture, or life choice.  We are all human and we have a right to live as we choose.  You should never judge anyone….your hands are not always clean.  They will push you to the ledge and give you that tiny shove right over…that is when you grasp the little hangover and pull yourself back up.  The teenage years will pass  I promise. 

10.  There are so many things I want to tell you and I want you to know but there is no way to write it all down.  More than anything know that I tried my best to raise you in a loving home.  Always know that you all were my life and my reason for breathing.  I would have given my life for you at any time to assure your happiness and safety.  The day I met each of you was a day etched into my memory.  It was the happiest days of my life.  Looking into your eyes for the first time and counting your little fingers and toes was just more amazing than anything in this entire world.  Don’t ever forget how special, brave, and intelligent you are.  You can accomplish anything in this world if you just set your mind to it.  I love you girls so much it hurts sometimes.  You will understand this when you have your own daughter.  I only want the best for you.  As you read this know that I am sitting on a couch suffering through the same episode of Curious George that I have already watched 10 times this morning just because you (Mittens) want to watch it.  You are running around the room in your red Minnie Mouse outfit with a big red bow on your head saying dadadadadada….not mama which kind of sucks.  You girls make me smile…always.

Take care of yourselves, love who you are, and never give up on your dreams.

I love you!!!!

Mama